“44 ways to show kids you care”…

(From an incredible book I’m reading now -“Anger and the Indigo Child
” by Dianne Lancaster (all the books on “Indigo children” are wonderful by Lee Carroll and Jan Tober –insight into our very cool generation of kids- strong willed and compassionate,(sometimes difficult) ,important and strong future citizens).

1. Say the word “LOVE “ a lot.
2. Be careful not to criticize simply tell them a better way.
3. If you withdraw your attention, avoid withdrawing your love.
4. Teach the principles of “why”, not just “what” to do or not to do.
5. Discipline with love, especially if you are angry. If you “punish” or “take away,” do so with love and follow up with love.
6. Remember children often reflect what they have or have not been taught. They often need to be taught, not punished.
7. Teach children to trust the truth by experiencing you as a model of loving them for telling the truth.
8. Be patient, not just tolerant.
9. Ask them what they need from you and do whatever you can to meet those needs.
10. When you are stressed and unavailable, help them know that your condition is about your life, and not them, and reaffirm your love.
11. Remember that children often need love the most when they “deserve” it the least.
12. Listen to them, a lot. Avoid interrupting.
13. Help them to learn the feeling of regret, not just to say they are sorry.
14. Apologize when you make a mistake or do something you regret.
15. Teach them about ethics and values and principles they can apply in choices and decision-making.
16. Never make fun of them, shame them or blame them. It’s not their “fault.” It’s an indication of what they need, or what they need to learn, or what they need to unlearn.
17. Tell them how much you like being with them, if you mean it. If you don’t, examine what about the relationship dynamics at that moment or in general affects your not feeling that way. Then find a way to change that from within yourself.
18. Expect and support their best; don’t expect or require perfection. Set standards based on their capacities, not your (often unrealistic) needs.
19. Avoid comparing them to anyone else; instead, help them develop their unique self and way of being.
20. Know they will respect what you say if they respect who you are.
21. Encourage them to share and teach them to share but don’t make them share. If they feel enough love in their life they will be able to share; if they cannot share, it means they need to feel more love.
22. Hug and touch them often when they are young. Hug and touch them often as possible as they mature. Avoid commands like “come give me a hug”. Instead say, “I would like to hug. Would you like to hug?” The command is based on the adult’s need. The option is contingent on the child’s need.
23. Help them learn the feeling of gratitude, not just to say thank you. Love is the emotion that sustains positive change. Anger is the emotion that sabotages positive change.
24. Give them space when they need it.
25. Praise more and criticize less.
26. Know that a child is experiencing love will express love. A child who does not act loving needs to experience more love and feel more loved. Until then, behavior changes you attempt may not be sustainable.
27. Help them learn how and why to save money.
28. Avoid emphasizing how much something costs.
29. Help them discover what has meaning and purpose and feels good to them.
30. Keep the promises you make. If you do not keep your word, acknowledge that. Help them understand the circumstances or choices that precipitated the change. They will notice if this becomes a pattern.
31. Answer their questions.
32. If you do not like their friends, teach them qualities to look for in friends.
33. Go to their games and events; get to know their teachers and coaches.
34. Be consistent.
35. Let them tell you how they feel. Help them learn what their feelings are and how to express them.
36. Give them lots of compliments, and mean it. If you do not / cannot compliment them, examine why.
37. Suggest better behaviors when they act out. Teach first. Reward often. Be understanding. Punish last.
38. When they withdraw, offer love instead if demands or threats.
39. Nurture them with good food, prepare their favorite foods, and help them make good nutritional choices.
40. Teach them to be responsible according to their own developmental age; avoid using them to do tasks that are your responsibility.
41. When you notice behavioral changes, be especially available so they can talk about what is going on.
42. Be understanding when they have a difficult day.
43. Teach them to be on time and to keep their word and their commitments-and model that for them.
44. Love them no matter what. If you are feeling love for them at the time you express anger, your anger is safe. Otherwise, they experience anger as having the power to displace love. Then they will learn to fear anger- yours and their own-and potentially develop the pattern of suppressing anger, which in sufficient accumulation, can turn into rage.